Words of Wisdom? Or Insane Rants?
- rickdmoore
- May 23
- 5 min read
No two races are ever the same.
Case in point: For this year’s Market-to-Market Relay, someone decided to crank up the thermostat way up high, presenting over 200 teams participating in the 75-mile relay from the tiny town of Jefferson to downtown Des Moines with highs close to 90 degrees. That meant teams ranging from six to eight runners had to deal with Iowa first’s blast of heat while running two to three legs along with waiting for their teammates at exchange points that didn't always offer much in the way of shade.
Once again, I had the distinct pleasure of donning my Body Project singlet to join the team of my coach’s business. Two fleet-fleeted newcomers joined six vets. Coach Tim Ives assigned me two legs - or stages as they’re called - with the first taking me just under six miles up a long, gradual hill and the second being just over four-miles along the same trails we use for training.
I won’t lie. Nothing about Stage 7 was pleasant. As the mercury climbed, my energy dwindled and pace slowed. And that so-called "gradual climb" seemed endless. Stage 15 proved a less miserable experience with a level path and plenty of shade although temps were even higher with a nasty hill to tackle before handing off the wristband to our next runner.
During that long day, several thoughts coalesced in my mind. Whether profound pearls of wisdom or symptoms of heat delirium, I'll now share them with you.
Pop Tarts Are Pre-Race Fuel! Maybe you’ve heard this before, but it was shocking news to me when one of our teammates told us that he chomps down Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts before a running workout. And he does so based on the advice of his nutritionist! Two thoughts immediately burst into my mind. Can something so sinfully sweet and tasty truly be good for you? And two, how do I contact this nutritionist? (If I can be reunited with my beloved Frosted Raspberry Pop Tarts, then all that heat and sweat will have been worth it!)
Count on The Clash ... to Make Me Feel Old. 1980 was a great year for alternative and classic rock music! With the likes of The B-52's, Bruce Springsteen and Elvis Costello populating my playlist, I defy anyone to state otherwise! But when asked about that playlist by a teammate, I sadly realized that he and at least half the teammates were probably not even born when those incredible songs came out.
Owls Are Not Our Friends! I hear owls almost every morning when I run and think nothing of it. But that was before having not one, but two runners share with me the horrifying experiences of owls dive bombing both of them. The first lost a new cap. The second actually had to have tetanus shots after being scratched! Thanks to their harrowing accounts, no matter who-who-who says what, I will definitely give a hoot about avoiding these nocturnal raptors!
Porta Potties are Beautiful! Sure, they’re unattractive on the outside and can be absolutely hideous once you step inside. But to a runner who hears Nature calling and calling loudly, these unbecoming shells suddenly morph into a blessed oasis with nothing more joyous than seeing that blessed “green curve” telling you that that particular porta potty is unoccupied.
Runners Need a Thesaurus. Did I mention that it was hot for this race? I say that because that single, three-lettered word seemed the only one uttered by the hundreds of participants in this race. And it was! But for heaven's sake, even with heat cramps, surely, we can come up with other words to describe the conditions. What about sizzling? Scorching? Roasting? For a change of pace, why not torrid? Fiery? Spicy? Or what about being understated? A bit too warm for my liking? I blame this all on reality television and artificial intelligence.
Stage 12 Should be Outlawed! There are pros and cons to every stage in this race. With one exception. Stage 12 is the one that prompts immediate waves of anxiety to even the most steadfast and hearty of Market-to-Market participants. Although just a tick over four miles, this stage is mind-numbingly straight along a highway with not even a molehill change in elevation and not so much as a pine needle offering shade. The exhausting monotony is only part of it. Toss in temps hovering in the high eighties and this stage moves up a notch from pure misery to near torture. I’ve heard that Amnesty International has filed protests against it being allowed in future races.
Runners are Barbarians! Hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but runners are not the gentle, compassionate individuals people tend to think we are. Truth is, we're bloodthirsty savages. What else explains the fervor that envelopes us in tracking number of people we pass - or kills! - in each M2M stage. We may need to check our watches to recall our final time. But we don’t need no stinking device to remember our “kills.” That’s the first thing we boldly proclaim once we exchange our wristbands. It may be my final breath, but dammit, I'm not going anywhere until I tell you how many kills I had!
I’m Truly Fortunate to be Part of the Body Project Team! In all seriousness, I am thankful for the opportunity to once again being a part of the Body Project team, spending a day with spend a day with seven remarkable individuals. It's a long day that goes amazingly fast because of them! I also have to say that thanks to their talents, I get to be part of the final wave of teams starting. For someone in their mid-sixties, that is indeed quite a rush!
When it was all said and done, we ran together across that finish line placing third in the Open division and sixth overall. My mile paces were 7:23 for the first stage and 7:32 for the next. Not what I wanted, but decent given the rather peppery conditions.
And hey, at least it wasn’t humid!
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