It's a Run-Derful Life!

Be warned! This is only going to get sillier from here!

It was a cold and dreary morning in my Oregon hometown last week. A steady rain left me completely soaked. Worse, my earbuds had just shut off - depriving me of hearing all of the Andy Gibb songs that not even slow torture could force me to confess to owning.

In this moment of ultimate despair, I shouted out to the heavens, “I wish I never started running!”

After saying that, I suddenly see another runner just a few feet from me about to cross the road, seemingly oblivious to an oncoming log truck. I immediately reached out to grab him, just as that truck’s tires went through a deep puddle, splashing water into our faces.

Once I wiped my eyes, I immediately noticed that we were both standing in the town’s park. On a clear, sunny morning? And for whatever reason, everything was in black and white!

“What's going on?” I asked. “Who are you?”

The other runner smiled at me. He was a dark-haired guy. “I’m an angel sent from Heaven. I’ve given you what you wanted. A world where you did not take up running.”

A knowing look worked onto my brow. “I get it! And you’re going to show me how messed up everything is because I didn’t become a runner.”

“Something like that," he responded hesitantly. "Let's start with your hometown, Sutherlin.” He pointed behind me. “Turn around and look at that statute.”

There had never been a statue in that park before, but sure enough, there was one now. The face looked vaguely familiar. Then I saw a name on the bottom. “Billy Swift? The guy we used to call “Trailer” because he followed my friends and I everywhere we went?”

The angel smiled. “That’s the guy. Turns out you were actually the one hanging around him. Since you weren’t a runner, he joined the cross-country team so that he could get away from you. Seems he also had world class talent. He set all kinds of records, eventually competing in the Olympics. He did keep the name ‘Trailer” and over the years gained quite a following of fans. Wanna know what they were called?”

“Swifties?” I groaned.

“Yep,” the angel smirked. “His fame put your hometown on the map, boosting its local economy. All because you didn’t take up running.”

“Gee, I so regret my decision.” I responded dryly. “But what about Umpqua Community College? I had to have had some impact there with everything that I did to help them.”

After snapping his fingers, the angel responded, “Does this look familiar?”

We stood alongside metal storage units on a hillside where UCC’s track used to be. “See what I mean!" I cried. "Without my moral support and encouragement, the college had no choice but to eliminate their track and cross-country programs.”

The angel shook his head. “You’re going to need to look south towards the river.”

Doing so, I saw stadium lights, and twin bleachers surrounding a stunning track near the scenic Umpqua River. “That’s unreal. How in the world did they ever afford this?”

He pointed to a nearby sign, “Without you, the college realized they needed to make some tough decisions. So they merged with Siskiyou Community College, becoming Umpqua-Siskiyou United Community College. Or U-SUCC.”

Sure enough. That was exactly how the sign read. “Oh man. That name had to hurt.”

“Not at all. It actually became quite a marketing coup. They make millions with a whole line of “U-SUCC” clothing and accessories. In fact, they change their mascot every year to increase their earnings.”

“And this year?”

“Let’s just say it’s another word for donkey.”

“Yeah, I feel like one now.” I sighed. “Okay. But I know I had to have had an impact on Western Oregon State College? Someone told me a few years ago that I was the glue that held our team together.”

Now the angel smiled. “Glue would be right. But probably not the way you think.”

Another snap and we were then at my alma mater in Monmouth, Oregon. And just as I had feared, the streets were empty, the buildings all boarded up.

I offered the angel a sad look. “I hated being right about this. Such a shame to see this beautiful campus closed down.”

“Closed down?” He laughed. “Hardly. They had to move it to a larger location after the incredible success of their running program. You see, you were indeed glue. But not holding them together. You were holding them back. Without you, all those other runners reached their full potential, winning championships for the school and establishing an outstanding program.”

“In fact,” the Angel added, “The school capitalized on the strategies of those amazing cross-country teams, crafting them into courses that attracts runners from all over the world. For example, one of their most popular ones addresses how to handle crowded races. It’s referred to as ‘Establishing Leverage By Operating Well-Thought Helpful, Enlightened Methods.’ Or E.L.B.O.W. T.H.E.M. Then there’s the highly regarded motivational technic, ‘Gaining Encouragement Through Physical Yearning Channeling Healthy Energy Dynamics.’”

“Or,” as I quickly added, “G.E.T. P.S.Y.C.H.E.D!”

“Now you’re catching on. Of course, I can’t leave out another highly popular training program for addressing those who either fail to support or question a person as a runner. It’s called ‘Freely Utilizing Cognitive Knowledge Engaging Motivation.’ Or as it called…”

“I get it!” I interrupted. “Okay, so no one’s missed me as a runner. Can you at least tell me if Amy and I end up together?”

The Angel winced. “Well, she actually does live in Oregon. Just not with you.”

“What?”

“Amy marries someone with the last name ‘Gallo.' who gave her a Willamette Valley winery to run. They're now world-renowned, including Oregon’s favorite white wine, Pinot Amy.”

“Don’t you mean Pinot Blanc? That's her favorite”

The response arrived as a smirk. “Pinot Blanc is what they used to call it.”

I threw my hands up in despair. “So what happened to me? What’s this great reason for me to return to running?”

He gave me a long look and then continued. “Without running, you never go to college. Instead, you work in a grocery store. And that’s where you impact the entire world.” Seeing my bewildered look, he sighed. “It’s not actually what you did. It’s what you didn’t do. You see, there was a day when a guy named Bill Gates came into your store to buy some snacks on his way to Seattle. Only he slipped some spilled vegetable oil that you forgot to clean up. The poor guy hit his head on the sharp corner of a shelf. This resulted in brain damage that prevented his work on personal computers. As a result, the world is years behind in its technological advancements. There is no Internet or cell phones.”

The angel then locked eyes with me. “That’s why you must return to running. To get it back to a world with the Internet and cell phones and everything they offer.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, considering what I’ve been told. “I know that sounds bad. But knowing how divided we are, seeing how we never even talk with each other anymore, I’m not so sure I should do that. Wouldn’t we be better off as a nation - as a world - without people staring at their phones all the time? Isn’t it better if people actually talk with each other again? The more I think about it, I can’t see a single reason that I should go back to running.”

“You remain a virgin until you’re 35.”

“Holy crap! No way! I renounce my decision! Let me run again!”

At that moment, the skies cleared with a tall, proud figure appearing before us. “You’ve made the right decision, Rick.” His voice boomed. “All you have to do now is close your eyes and say 'R-E-L-A-X’ three times and you’ll be back to your own world.”

Once this imposing figure disappeared, I turned to the Angel. “Oh wow! Was that … Aaron Rodgers?”

He rolled his eyes. “No. That’s just God. He thinks he’s Aaron Rodgers.”

With that, I closed my eyes and uttered those sacred words, waking up again on that dark, rainy morning with the world back in full color! But now I am inspired more than ever to continue my running.

Of course, this was a true story.

Hope everyone enjoyed this silly post. Next post has me talking about goals for 2026 as I navigate the “new normal.” My best wishes for everyone this Holiday Season!